Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A Forced Slaying

Funny how some moments stick out in your mind & are so clear that you can still remember the outfit you wore that day or a scent will resurface just from the thought. Those single moments that seem to forever change your life, even though in that moment you'd never know it would. I have millions of such memories & to be able to pull up that exact same sensation with just a thought....makes me just want to live in some of those moments....while some of those moments I've tried my best to claw out of my mind's eye. Recently I got the chance to face down one of those such moments or better yet....demons.
Back in 1996, I took a job for a company that would eventually change my life. During the 3 years I worked there, I got the chance to meet what would quickly become 2 of my dearest & closest friends. I was working as the receptionist where I would meet them both as they came in for interviews. One day while walking around the building while having my afternoon smoke with a friend of mine & came across Lesli. She was sitting back by herself in a cove smoking, she hadn't been working for the company but a few days & looked a little lonely. So I walked over to her....sat across her lap....& said...."So! How's it Going?"....we have been the best of friends from that moment onward. Later that same year, at our company holiday party, Lesli & I were outside smoking & up popped Gretty asking for a light. Well we quickly became the Troublesome Threesome & have pretty much stayed so now for the past 13+ years.

So you can probably tell that I was beyond THRILLED to hear that Lesli was now engaged to the love of her life!! We talked dresses, colors, dates & all the other fun things associated with a wedding. I was then BEYOND THRILLED when asked if I would walk her down the isle on her wedding day...I mean COME ON...what an HONOR!! Then the bomb dropped.....the most wonderful day in the year was going to be in my most hated of places.....Las Vegas.

Let me start off by saying.....I looooath Las Vegas. It represents a piece of my past that held terrible reigns over me. I had lived there in extreme luxury, surrounded by the rich & famous....all while living a complicated...painful...exhausting...life inside a delicate bubble. I lived in fear & self doubt all while smiling & playing the ultimate role! I spent so much time living in survival mode. One day...my eyes opened & I shattered that bubble sending shards flying in a million directions...ripping me into pieces. I left that city seeing it's nasty...dirty...underbelly & it left a HORRIBLE taste in my mouth.

So to hear that I was going to be returning there....left my stomach in knots & caused many sleepless nights leading up to it. Nightmares would wake me from being in the presence of evil that is associated within the city of sin. Knowing I had to return, I was happy that I would have my sweetheart at my side to help me through this extremely hard moment only for that not to be the case. Yep, that dreaded $$ had to keep him here while I faced this demon down myself.

Thank God for a little help from a dear friend of mine...Prozac!

As my plane touched down in NV....my heart was racing so fast...fear followed my each & every step....I was truly....terrified!! I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder & keeping a vigilant eye for the first sign of trouble. Going straight to my room where I locked myself inside...grabbing at my overwhelmed chest....saying to myself....Breathe....just Breathe....over & over again. Once I had gotten a hold of myself....I took a deep breath.....closed my eyes....& let go....then...slowly...I opened my eyes...got up...took a shower...& went downstairs to face down my demon.....& slay it!
I walked around for about 2 hours. Got a bite to eat. Chatted with a few people. Watched a few games of poker. I often had to tell myself to slow down my pace or stop & just hang for a few. Still keeping an eagle eye watch on everything & everyone around me. Finally feeling ok with being out & about, I went back to my room. Over the next several days I found myself being less afraid & more woo hoo. 

I truly have to give credit to both my best friends for they unknowingly helped me through one of THE HARDEST moments of my life! I found that I was spending less & less time in a state of worry & spent a lot more time laughing until my sides were sore. Because I was so able to get lost in our friendship, I was able to tear down walls....knock holes through the darkest of hidden places & finally lay to rest something that burned for all the wrong reasons. So they both helped shield & slay a demon that had festered way too long just by simply just being there.

I had grown so much hate for a place that I allowed it to hide the other fun side of that same place. Finally, I was able to fully breathe a full breath & not have all that extra weight on my chest. The last picture I took in Vegas explains it all. In a single moment, one can see something truly different in my face. An easiness that wasn't so before. A moment were I vowed to myself.

A vow of release....
A vow of peace....
A wound now healed....
And forgiveness now given....

Thank you for unknowingly forcing me to face down & conquer the beast known simply as....Vegas!

Lesli & Jeff...May your marriage be filled with all the right ingredients: a heap of love, a dash of humor, a touch of romance, and a spoonful of understanding. May your joy last forever & your friendship grow unbreakable. Congratulations!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Limbo No More.....Revisited

I had blogged this song before but now it has a totally new meaning & feeling.

"Limbo No More"
My house
My role
My friends
My man
My devotion to God
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in 
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste
My peers
My identity
My affiliation
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And i've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my music and my cats at my feet
My friends by my side

My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me


Tattoo on my skin

My teacher's in heart 

My house is a home 
Something at last I can feel a part of 

  Sense of myself
My purpose is clear 

  My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of 

Something aligned
To finally commit 

Somewhere I belong
Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more 

My wisdom applied
A firm foundation

  A vow to myself
'Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust...Phoenix Rises

Starting over is never an easy thing! So being thrust into having to do so is just NOT  something I am eager to go though...yet again...this soon. Although lately...when I look in the mirror...I know it is time. I see the beat down...tired...sad...end to what was a bright & quickly growing phoenix. I have taken so many hits over the past 8 years & the last few just finished me off.
At first....the pain I knew that I would soon endure was not a thing I was looking forward to. Knowing that I was soon going to have no choice but to come to terms with all that was the past 8 years &....let go of it. The thought of being so fresh & new again...nothing short of terrifying. But then...then I remember the release. The moment when the last ember burns out from having nothing left to fuel it. All of the past...now nothing more then a pile of soft ash. All the pain & sorrow & hurt of the years...gone with the last wisp of smoke that wafts off into nothing.
Now all that remains....ashes. But those ashes....those tiny particles of exhausted material hold something very special in them. Deep inside the past of what was me..lay dormant the seeds to the new me...but...they can only be sown once the old has disintegrated & all of the ugly & bad ashes of the past have blown away. First...dreams ignite passion....then passion ignites love....then love ignites good....then good ignites truth....then truth ignites knowledge....& so on & so on...until the egg of ash can no longer contain the building fire rising from within......
Phoenix Rises!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013 Pisces Overview

to learn...is to discover what you already know. To act...is to show that you know it. To teach is to let others know that they know it as well as you do...R. Bach

2013: Pisces Overview
2013 is nothing short of stellar for you, Pisces. By summer, you're ready for the grand water-trine influence as Saturn, Jupiter and Neptune all flow together in Water signs to make magic. Your powers of psychic perception and healing have never been stronger. Your ability to create glamour, weave fantastical illusion and provide invisible-but-potent healing to others is beyond measure. Others will feel inextricably drawn to you without understanding why. This is excellent for your star potential as others sense something extraordinary and sublime in your presence. People want to have you around as much as possible even without fully comprehending why. The best part is that people are willing to pay big bucks for whatever it is you have to offer and no matter how intangible it may seem. For once, you won't feel like the oddball, freak or the perpetually misunderstood alien in the crowd but rather the mysterious-yet-sought-after special someone that others cannot resist. It's all part of your otherworldly glamour and mystique. Work it, Pisces!
You still have the generous influence of Jupiter working the base of your horoscope for the first half of the year. If you were planning on expanding your home or upgrading, now's the time. Your luck with real estate is exceptional until June, so take advantage of the first half of 2013 if you were planning any kind of major relocation or home improvement project. The second half of 2013 switches the focus from family and home to pleasure and romance. Your love and creativity zone will receive the big gifts of Jupiter starting this summer. Pleasure is on the rise from June until next January as you prepare to live a life of proper leisure. Your inner romantic will be amazingly satisfied for a change under this most auspicious influence. Love letters, poems, films, music and every other form of love-inspired medium will be calling you. Surrender to the sweetness and let yourself dwell in your chosen form of pleasure during the second half of the year.
The eclipse points of 2013 will stir up your travel sectors -- both domestic and foreign -- so keep your passport and suitcase handy. This year is all about mind and soul expansion for you on every level. Get ready to leave the comfort of familiar territory for more experience and adventure than you've dared to dabble in for years. This year will be anything but ordinary.

2013: Pisces Career

Success in your career endeavors is contingent upon the amount of energy you're willing to put into expanding your current sphere of expertise. You can sense that it's time to widen your professional horizons, Pisces. When you're fully able to access the power of your imagination, there's no limit to what you can do. 2013 brings plenty of potential for enhancing your current skill set. The eclipse patterns impact both your higher and lower mind, giving you a profound opportunity to tap into your deep well of wisdom. Your work is important to the world, and you're finally starting to realize that you have knowledge to share. No more playing invisible, Pisces. It's selfish not to share your gifts.
During the second half of the year, Saturn, Jupiter and Neptune are forming a grand water trine. This will unite your sense of self with your creative sector and house of higher consciousness to create one very magical matrix of manifestation. By harnessing the power of your higher mind and combining it with your natural allure and limitless creativity, you can make anything happen. Can't you just feel all of that untapped power you're sitting on? Starting this June, get ready for things to flow heavily toward the good.
Neptune continues to shower your world with glamour. If you're not in high art, fashion, dance, spirituality, healing or anything that involves your imagination, you're probably not feeling fulfilled or even close to living up to your true potential. This is the year to pull everything into alignment. The beauty of being born under the constellation of Pisces is that you're endowed with infinite gifts all seeded in the depths of your imagination. All you have to do is create enough structure and discipline not to float into a dream world that never takes form in the physical universe. Once you start to materialize your vision, you're golden. This is what 2013 is all about for you, Pisces.